Log in

31 December 2015 @ 11:02 am
Both my partner's and my parents are divorced so we end up with four days of Christmas. Busy holidays.

(Next time I should take pictures of some of the presents we bought for people because we gave some cool things.)

Day one: a wallet made of comic book images, a cool box, and a Hallmark Keepsake ornament of the original Megatron toy. I didn't even know it existed until a week or so ago! It's seriously sweet.

Day two: Ant Man on blu-ray, the complete 90s Flash television series, a book detailing "regrettable" superheroes which looks like lots of fun, and The Complete Allspark Almanac which is perhaps the geekiest, most Easter-egg filled book about Transformers ever created. Heck, half the book is written in-universe. I was also excited to get a bunch of comfy socks, including some Captain America ones just for kicks.

Day three: The Complete All Hail Megatron hardcover collection includes the 12 issue main series, the 4 issue coda, and 5 related Spotlight issues. It's slightly larger than a regular comic and pretty gorgeously reproduced. This story is what they should have done with the live action movies; it's got those huge action set pieces popular to audiences but it also has differentiated characters with a variety of agendas which are what has given the property its longevity. It's far from perfect, but far superior to the films we've gotten.

Day four: a 5 TB external hard drive for out Xbox One. We've only had it a few months and have used up more than 3/4 of the internal drive. It's rather annoying that even games bought on disc have to be downloaded onto the system. Game on!
Running a little later on my comics this week because I didn't get them until Friday night. My local comic shop, Carol & John's Comic Shop has been doing a Black Friday Event for 20 years now. I say event because it is more a party than sale (though it is a sale too) with music, raffles, and even drinks. It starts at 7:00 pm (to avoid pulling people aware from their families, and to accommodate people who had to work during the day and enjoy the party as a way to unwind after retail insanity).

The first pic is what I bought at the sale, mostly new stuff with two older things. The issue of Rom is the first of a two part story with the X-Men, the second part of which I've had for years now. And the Transformers trade leads into the More Than Meets the Eye series that I love so dearly. In the new items are a number of things which have me excited like Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur, Squirrel Girl (I'm always bouncy for SG), and Transformers: Sins of the Wreckers which is a sequel to Last Stand of the Wreckers, not only the best Transformers miniseries ever but also in my list of top comic book miniseries out of every single one that I've read. Take that Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns!

I won a couple of things in raffles. There's the Art of Marvel Studios slipcase containing books about Iron Man 1 & 2, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger. I stumbled over the trivia question though I undoubtably knew the correct answer so they gave me a second question which was equally easy for me. X-Men trivia man, that's my bag. I had been close to buying the other two books so I was glad to score them for free, especially the Guardians of the Galaxy and X-Men crossover. I'm a sucker for crossovers but in this case I had actually dropped both titles because I felt the writing was very weak and the books very directionless so I don't have high hopes. Maybe since it's a crossover there will ACTUALLY be some plot movement. Maybe.

Lastly Carol & John's Comic Shop participated in the inaugural Local Comic Shop Day so, yes, after having been there past midnight I was back at 10 am the following day for a few more things. In this case treasury edition collections of the first two issues of Invader Zim and Rick and Morty. I'm been collecting Zim, but the oversized treasury editions are always a treat, I've opened it up to show off that great wrap around cover. I haven't been reading Rick and Marty so this will be a great way to check it out.

I actually did not show everything I got the last two days because some of it is presents for friends and family. Ok, that's all, I've got a lot of reading to do.
18 June 2015 @ 06:55 am
I have a character flaw. Well, yeah, obviously I have more than one, but I'm only thinking of one right now. Specifically I'm talking about the inverse relationship between my intelligence and negative emotions. In other words, when I get upset I get stupid.

I can feel it happening like a fog rolling in, and sometimes it's just as difficult to hold back as a fog. It's why I try to avoid arguments; they won't go in my favor, ever. And when I try to force my calm I tend to just come across as patronizing which certainly doesn't help much either. Of course anger isn't the only thing because frustration, fear, and anxiety all have similar effects. In fact, they tend to all feed each other. The general state of anxiety I find myself in lately leaves me low on patience and easily frustrated so I'm operating at a reduced state all the time. It means things that should be easy to understand, or at least theoretically possible to figure out, are opaque mysteries of esoteric arcana. Any slightest difficulty leaves me too frustrated and unintelligent to progress. Thus my computer and phone are pending obsolescence as dealing with upgrading them fills me with such anxiety that I freeze up. It means scheduling car maintenance is a task I put off week after week, so my car has had a broken side mirror for months and my a/c doesn't work. And people! Almost all my recent interactions with people leave me feeling disconnected and like I should constantly have a label that says "it's me, not you."

I've been feeling uncomfortable almost everywhere. There are a couple of different organizations of which I'm a member, and for while I felt like I belonged. Belonging is an uncommon feeling for me. But currently I'm struggling to get to them. I'm feeling so out of place. There are some legitimate reasons for feeling like I can't trust people with certain aspects of myself. Not everybody will appreciate all of me. That's fine. I think everyone has some parts of themselves that they keep for only the closest of friends. And some people and groups are more acceptive of difference. But I don't know. Nowhere feels comfortable right now, nowhere feels safe, and I can't determine how much of that is just in my head and how much is just that I thought some things were different and they just aren't.

I guess I've digressed from the thesis of this entry. That happens. I can't really talk about everything here. The point is that my brain isn't working. I feel it not working. I am going through life feeling impaired and being painfully, depressingly cognizant of it. Whether it's my ability to manage my schedule, talk to people, or figure out how to beat a level of Halo that I've played through before, I'm feeling pretty incompetent at this thing called life. So if I come off even more weird than usual, or distant and dispassionate, just know that it's me, not you.
I don't think that I'm not racist. I don't think that I'm not sexist. I don't think that I'm not judgmental. I just try to be better.

I think a lot of people define themselves as the above because they know those things are bad. But they don't actually think about it. They don't actually consider what those ideas mean. And so when they are faced with the fact that, yeah, those things are actually a part of who they are then they don't take it well.

Say I jump to a conclusion about a neighborhood because of the ethnicity of the populace. Maybe I'll stop a moment and realize that's some passive racism born of my exposure to media images as well as a lack of personal experience. If I defined my identity as not-racist then I'd be in a quandary. I'd have to resolve this cognitive dissonance between how I define myself and the thought that I had. Most likely I'd justify it by saying my judgement was based on yadda yadda yadda, that they asked for it, that they'd clean it up better if it was a good neighborhood, that I don't need to actually know real crime statistics because my mind was already made up, and that's that. And that would be racist. In my desire to prove to myself that my passive racism wasn't really racism I'd employ logical hurdles that were ACTIVELY racist. But if I'm just a person trying to be better, then if I jump to a conclusion I can stop and try to make it a learning experience for myself. Truth be told my neighborhood is probably more dangerous than the one I was thinking about.

Now say someone critiques something I enjoy, movie or game or comic, saying that it's sexist or even misogynistic. If I define myself as not-sexist without thinking about it then I believe, based on how we see things go on the internet, that my thought process would be the following - "I'm not sexist. They said this thing I like is sexist. That means they think I am sexist. I'm totally not sexist, how dare they call me sexist! What do they know about sexism anyway? They're just some feminist chick that doesn't want me to have any fun. Let's see how much fun she has after an escalating campaign of hateful threats." I mean, that really seems to be how this goes from my perspective. And, no, I don't know how "I'm not sexist" leads to thinking it's OK to threaten sexual violence but damn if that isn't how it progresses. On the other hand, if I define myself as someone trying to be better, and see other people as being similarly flawed and trying to be better, then if someone points out that something is problematic then I won't take it as a personal attack. I can separate myself from what I enjoy and admit that not everything is perfect. Yes, there are things that I enjoy that are most decidedly problematic. There are typically redeeming values that I weigh against it to decide if I still enjoy that thing. Sometimes I can find enough to still enjoy something despite its flaws. Sometimes once it's been pointed out and I see it form another perspective I lose my enjoyment. If I no longer enjoy something once I learn its flaws then I didn't really love it and it wasn't that important. Yes, I realize that while Empowered by Adam Warren is satirizing the stories that use gratuitous amounts of T&A and bondage at the detriment of characterization and storytelling, it is unquestionably itself employing a gratuitous amount of T&A and bondage, but the characterization and storytelling are so damn phenomenal that it still works. On the other hand, after stepping back and re-examining The Big Bang Theory I was left decidedly uncomfortable and, no sir, I no longer like it. I don't feel the need to convert others to my lack of enjoyment, but I'm totally done with it. For realsies. Sorry, folks.

That brings us to being judgmental. The thing is we are all judgmental. We just are. We just judge people on different criteria. I think that most people who say they aren't judgmental mean they don't judge about race, or gender, or sexual orientation, or all those other things the liberal minded people are trying to get better about. But maybe they still judge people on if they litter, or just if people are cruel. That's judgement. I cannot say that I never judge people since I do think that some actions are wrong. And I'll let you in on something stupid about myself - I judge people by how they park. Yeah, it's pointless and unfair. And I certainly don't park perfectly every singe time. But it's there, every time I see a poorly parked car there's a flash of judgment in my mind. I try to squish it and remember that maybe there was someone else parked poorly that caused them to park misaligned, or maybe they had an emergency and couldn't take the time to straighten up, or maybe they have a legitimate reason for backing into the parking space even though they obviously don't have the skill to do so. All that's to say that I cannot ever in good conscious say that I'm not judgmental because I know for a fact that I am, but I'm trying to be better. Again, the problem if I defined myself as non-judgmental is that when called out on it I would get defensive because someone was attacking my identity, and that will lead to me making judgments about them and how they are judging me, and that will just prove that the accusation was most likely valid.

To err is human and, despite how I feel most of the time, I am actually human. I try to be better, but I'll always be making mistakes. And I guess that's OK.
We chose titanium for our wedding bands, it was very appropriate.

I find the metaphor of “the old ball and chain” to be sad as hell. To liken one's partner to being shackled to a burdensome weight is just depressing. And it's a disturbingly common phrase, even showing up in children's cartoons. That's scary, before people even really understand relationships they are being shown that wives equate to imprisonment because the stories are so predominantly shown from a hetero-normative male perspective. While it seems most people that actually say it these days are doing it as a joke the facts are that it's not funny (even when being used in an “ironic” way since it's done by people that don't understand irony or humor), and the attitude that gave rise to it is all too real. At its heart is a negative view regarding the responsibility and consideration necessary in healthy relationships.

If I was going to say that some equivalent sort of inanimate object symbolized Becca it would be a life jacket. She has kept me afloat when I was too exhausted to tread water. But really I tend to think of her as a star. She shines brightly, gives off warmth, is very attractive, and is the source of my life.

So what does this have to do with our titanium rings? Is it just that they are non-traditional? Ask to see them the next time you are hanging out with us. They are very strong yet amazingly light, and that's what our relationship feels like.
Say you were never good enough for your parents. Say that even when you did good and followed the rules they treated you distrustfully. More than that, say they punished you without cause because they simply assumed, without evidence, that you had done wrong. Say their punishments went above and beyond what they themselves would tell others was appropriate for the transgressions, which, again, you hadn't even actually done. And lastly say that when you tried to get help from people they just told you to behave and not talk back.

In that case, what would you think of rules? What would you think of authority? What would you think of your parents? And what would you think of the institutions that claim they are there to help?

I know how I'd feel. If I was going to be punished and abused and tortured and killed anyway then I'd just say fuck it all. Rules are a joke. Authority is a sadism license. And my parents are straight up evil. Yeah, I'd fucking burn the world down too. Because what point is life if you live it with a boot on your throat?
23 March 2015 @ 12:11 pm
"Death is a release from and an end of all pains: beyond it our sufferings cannot extend: it restores us to the peaceful rest in which we lay before we were born. If anyone pities the dead, he ought also to pity those who have not been born. Death is neither a good nor a bad thing, for that alone which is something can be a good or a bad thing: but that which is nothing, and reduces all things to nothing, does not hand us over to either fortune, because good and bad require some material to work upon. Fortune cannot take ahold of that which Nature has let go, nor can a man be unhappy if he is nothing."
- Seneca

Mourning is not only the act of saying goodbye, but also forgiving myself for the things I didn't do. I've never been good at that part, at forgiving myself. I know for a fact that I could have done better, I'll never believe otherwise. I know people are trying to help when they say I did all that I could. I just have to accept the reality.

Times like this make me envy religious and spiritual people. It would be nice to take comfort in some after-existence, but death is an ending. It just is. Those that die only live on in the thoughts and memories of the survivors. We honor them by being better for our time with them.

And I just keep thinking about friends that have lost children, and am impressed by their strength. I couldn't handle that.

(Photo by Becca)

I was around six when Star Wars: Return of the Jedi came out, but it was certainly memorable. I had already seen the other movies so I was going into it already loving the main characters, and that included Princess Leia. She was a strong, competent leader. Even when she needed help it wasn’t owing to weakness on her part; they were simply situations where anyone would need help. Her famous plea to Obi-Wan that he was her only hope wasn’t for herself. No, it was for the entire Rebellion.

The scenes of Leia dressed in the now famous “Slave Leia” costume didn’t fill me with lust because I was too young to think of it sexually. Instead I saw it as being similar to how Jabba the Hutt was treating Han Solo. Like Han, she was being put on display so Jabba could demonstrate his power. He was being cruel and disrespectful towards her, which were ways to demonstrate his villainy. He was trying to break her spirit but was using different methods than Darth Vader had used. And none of it worked.

But all this did was show her strength. Her spirit was not broken. She didn’t retreat into fear or shame. And she didn’t just sit passively waiting for rescue. When opportunity arose she took it, and she dealt with her captor in a direct and deserved manner. Then she got up and joined the fight. She was not a slave, not to Jabba and not to anyone else.

But here we are over 30 years later and many people don’t seem to get it. Fan art and cosplayers often portray “Slave Leia” as being very passive. Heck, even officially licensed art plays in this arena. The cover to the Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga video game has her in the slave costume winking playfully as she leans against a downed Clone Trooper. Leia never played the “look at how cute I am” game. She could be friendly, even flirty, but that presentation of her displaying herself, especially on something directed at kids, shows how completely the point has been missed.

The point is that Princess Leia is strong, intelligent, competent, compassionate, and a royal bad-ass. Demean her, and she will choke you to death. You should respect her no matter what she is wearing, and that goes for everybody else too.
20 January 2015 @ 05:32 pm
I always feel guarded around heterosexual cis men. As soon as I find out that someone is gay, bi, trans, or in some other way queer then I relax a bit. One of the reasons that the Ice Balls essay on The Tusk resonated with me is that men do have it rough too, but you shouldn’t pity them because they are the ones that are making it difficult on each other. Men are the source of the problems, the expectations, and the values with which men find themselves burdened. (Women, on the other hand, get policed on how they fit gender roles by both men and women, so it is even more difficult on them.) (And while men are sometimes policed by women, well, where do you think the women got those ideas about gender roles?)

All of the positive qualities of manliness that I can think of are just simply positive qualities for ANY human being. Gender isn’t a factor. That’s why I have no desire to be considered “a good man.” Instead I want to be thought of as “a good person.” Likewise I don’t care about accusations that I’m not “a real man.” (I acknowledge I have it easy as I present as acceptably masculine and am rarely challenged on it.)

The qualities that are most exclusive to men, to being a so-called “real man,” are wrapped up in machismo. Machismo is, at its most crass and obvious, frat-boy culture: the condescension, the hazing, and the perpetual (to the point of pathological) need to test others and one’s own “manliness.” It can be more subtle, but basically it’s the reaffirmation of classic gender roles and that shit is not good for any of us.

And of course this is where the logical fallacies of the Scott Aaronsons (*see below) of the world fall apart. As self-identified “sensitive nerds” that are beset by the “jocks” and “Neanderthals,” they are being victimized by the agents of machismo, of the patriarchy. But instead of directing their anger at the establishment that creates the expectation that they enjoy sports, don’t show emotion, and are dominant, they become resentful that women don’t do what they want them to do. Just where is the empathy in their self-identified sensitivity? This is why nobody respects the “Nice Guy” - he’s a clueless tool, just as much a user of machismo and perpetuator of the patriarchy as he is a victim of it.



But anyway, yeah, dudes. I just don’t fit in with those guys and find it really weird when they consider me one of them.
It seems that every day brings another group of people offended by something. Well, this is the internet, and expressing displeasure about something is one of the primary purposes of it, eh?

Before wading into one of those discussions and proclaiming how you aren’t offended and they shouldn’t be either stop and ask yourself if you are actually a member of the targeted group. Because let me tell you, a guy not being offended by sexualized or marginalizing depictions of women isn’t shocking. A white person not being offended by the treatment of a minority group isn’t headline news (unless it’s The Onion). And a straight cis individual not offended by something directed towards the LGBTQIA community isn’t even the slightest bit world shattering. At best if you are an outsider saying how you don’t think the thing is offensive then you just look uneducated and/or unempathetic. Yeah, that’s the best you can come off looking.

Alright, take for example if you don't know how an internal combustion engine works. You know gasoline goes in, a little somethin'-somethin' goes on, and then the car goes. Are you seriously going to get in an argument with a thirty year veteran auto mechanic about their opinion on a style of carburetor? If you are, is your reason for thinking your opinion should trump theirs because -
A) you are male and they are female?
B) you are white and they are non-white?
C) you are a brilliant and beautiful snowflake who is a gift unto the world?
If you choose A then you're sexist. If you chose B then you're racist. If you chose C then either you're lying about A or B, or you're just too stupid to live.

For real, one of the most important things to learn is the limit of your understanding. One of the saddest things I've come to know is that educated people often come across as less confident because they know that they do not and simply cannot know everything, but the arrogantly uneducated can come across as supremely confident because they are too stupid to realize how stupid they actually are. Back on point, if a man thinks he can know what it's like to live the life of a woman more than a woman knows, then that man is either sexist (feeling his opinion is always superior to a woman's) or he's too stupid to know that he can't know it. If a white person in America, especially a Christian white person, thinks they know what it's like to be a minority and persecuted more than, say, people that actually are minorities and persecuted, then seriously die right the fuck now you stupid fucking fuckwit fuck, with a fucking cherry on fucking top because you truly are too damn fucking stupid to live.

You want to know what the most offensive thing in the world is? To be told that your feelings aren't valid by someone who has no understanding or respect for your life experience. That is the single most offensive thing in the world.

And while I'm saying this I have to admit I really TRULY dislike boiling everything down to "us versus them" or "insiders versus outsiders." It just feels like lazy oversimplification to me. But the fact of the matter is that we as human beings, all of us, have limitations on what we can understand, and the more you think you know EXACTLY what it's like for people outside your circle then the less you probably actually know.

So, yeah, maybe you're tired about hearing how one group is offended by a t-shirt sold at Wal-Mart, and another group is offended by some sports teams' mascots, and yet some other group is offended by something else you think is equally sillypants. But just step away and squelch your desire to say something snarky or proclaim how since it doesn't personally offend you it shouldn't be an issue. You know, unless you really want to demonstrate what a stupid and/or shitty person you are.